Part 1: Desire
Desire is defined as a strong feeling of wanting or wishing that something would happen. Desire is very much energized by anticipation of positive interactions and excitement. Freedom of choice is a must and you need to take care of yourself before you are ready to see anyone else as desirable in a healthy way. The enemies of desire are anticipation of anxiety, performance anxiety, anger, coercion, routine and embarrassment. The following are ideas to create desire in your relationships in a healthy and sustainable way.
Take care of you.
Just like most aspects of being a human, you need to take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy if you are looking to move towards your goals. Make sure you are getting your self care in which should include enough sleep, eating a healthy well balanced diet, exercise, and personal goals/endeavors. A happy partnership starts with you.
Think Positive
Next to taking care of yourself, this is the most powerful point we will review. Think kind things about your partner and the idea that things will go well when you interact. This may be difficult due to past interactions and negative events. However, by creating happy energy around the idea of interacting, you are setting up the situation for success.
Sex Team
You are a sexual team but you are responsible for your own desire. The second you start to guilt, blame, or pressure your partner to create desire, you have abandoned the ‘Super Sex Team’. You both need to work together knowing that each of you has to do your part to create a positive action. Be kind and understand to your teammate as you work together.
Playful Touch
Touch should be happening both in the bedroom and out of it. ‘Foreplay’ is anything between sexual interactions. So you should be flirty and touchy most of the time- not just when you are looking for sex. This solidifies that you are interactive and enjoy your partner whether intercourse is involved or not. It also helps with bonding and connection.
Turn Ons
Talk to your partner about what turns them on. Everyone’s turn ons are different and can change over time. Sexual partners tend to believe that they know what their partner likes even if they have never asked. Try to be open and honest with your significant other knowing that many turn ons may or may not be used during couple sexual interactions. This creates clearer communication and intimacy.
Preferred Sex
When in this sexual exploratory phase oftentimes we forget to ask about the preferred sexual experience and the reliable ‘workhorse’ sexual experience. Both need to be discussed because there is big miscommunications that happen as we are trying to figure out our partner. Sexual interaction after a long day at work may be completely different than the one after a romantic date. This conversation creates understanding in both parties.
Share fun.
Sharing pleasurable acts (not just sexual) creates a way of attaching and connecting to your partner. Try to learn something new about your partner and create new experiences that neither of you have had. Connecting with your partner on different levels creates understanding and security that can not be developed any other way.
Realistic expectations.
Understand that this sexual journey takes time to develop in a healthy manner. Both of you will have your missteps and misunderstandings along the way. Don’t keep score. This is about the enjoyment of each other, not a competition.
Check out more Makeover here:
Happy sexual discussions friends!
– Jessie the Therapist
For more information and resources:
Sex made simple. By: Barry McCarthy, PhD
Sex matters for women. By: Foley, Kope, and Sugrue
Mating in captivity. By: E. Perel
The sexual healing journey. By: W. Maltz
Go ask alice! Website: https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/
Photo by: Charles 🇵🇭
